It was only a mere three weeks ago I wrote about my recent “re-kindling” with an old friend. If you haven’t read that, be sure to check it out here, that way you’ll have more context about the word vomit I am about to spill.

Not to quote myself, but here’s a paragraph from the post I linked above:

After all of the failed relationships I have had over the last couple of years, I decided to “swear off” men in 2025. I mean, not totally swear off men, but more so focus on the relationship I have with myself first. Men are a luxury, not a necessity, and I wasn’t going to start the year off by trying to force some sort of romantic connection because I was lonely. I wiped dating apps off of my phone, and decided I was going to just go with the flow. I’m a firm believer in what’s meant to be will be.

I always say that I’m happy being alone; I enjoy my independence and love that I can do what I want when I want to. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t crave the attention of a man from time to time. So, of course, when an old friend reached out to me after months of me being single, it seemed logical to finally give him a chance.

Well, it’s been three weeks since that post, and about two months of talking to each other on a more regular basis. I said in the last post I wrote about this that I could see myself falling in love with him. I know that if I were ever to date him, he would treat me the way I have been longing my entire life to be treated by a boyfriend. As great as that sounds, the last couple of weeks I have realized that I can see myself falling in love with the idea of him, not necessarily him specifically. He knows my history, understands my job. While things would be easy with him, I just don’t think I have the physical/sexual attraction needed to make a relationship work.

The thing is, there is obviously a reason I pushed him so far into my friend zone all those years ago. I have always thought of him as one of my best friends, and nothing more. I really think that if I were to give this relationship a chance now, it would be because I was “settling” (for lack of a better word). I know, I probably sound like an awful person for even saying that. The whole concept has just really been reinforced into my brain these last couple of weeks, as I find myself getting “the ick” from things I was letting slide previously. I love him as a friend, and always will love him as a friend; I just don’t think that I can ever see it being anything more than that.

He made a comment to me today that I was talking to him like the “old me” would,,, big yikes. The shitty thing is – I know he is right. We haven’t even hung out in person yet, like we have been planning on (that won’t happen for another few weeks), but I don’t really see that changing my mind at all. The whole dilemma of my previous post on this subject was that our friendship could never survive a failed romantic relationship. I know that if I were try to force this whole thing when I don’t have any sort of “romantic” connection with him, it would fail.

I know I owe it to him to be honest, and I really don’t plan on keeping my thoughts/feelings from him much longer. I just have enough respect for him to tell him in person, and unfortunately that’s unable to happen until mid-April.

– k.